apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
