Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
wow bdsm is so cute
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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