I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
