i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You're like the curious george of whores
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
