I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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