I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
