For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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