How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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