i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
