Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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