I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
