FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
