I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
