If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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