You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize