dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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