happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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