yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
