it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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