I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
