I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
