have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
