My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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