and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
