when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
