My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
