Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i think my cat just said my name.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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