theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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