My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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