Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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