Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
