Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
