someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
