shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize