on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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