i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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