Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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