you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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