So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
