Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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