dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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