I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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