Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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