I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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