I am in a vortex of obligation.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
