At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
