found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
