What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
