I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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