I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
