I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
