I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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