I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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