obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize