hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
