God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just had sex on a roof
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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