Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
