You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
