where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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