I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
