right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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